If you asked me to describe my friends in one word, I’d say, “Assholes,” but I’d be kidding. Friends are amazing – if they’re not the best part of life, they’re on the very short list.
Good buddies are rare, and true friends will be there through it all, but to avoid disrespecting my fingers by forcing them to type out sappy clichés, I’ll just say this: A good friend looks at you the same way on your lowest day and on your highest. Good friends keep you human, they’re your copilots on this journey, and until we discover aliens with the ability to teleport and fly, the space between a human birth and death is the craziest, most twisted, and beautiful adventure anything in the universe gets to have.
So trust your copilots, appreciate your friends – and if you don’t, start now or get new friends. Here’s my expert, trusted-by-governments-around-the-world, indisputable, and 100% perfect run-down of the 7 friends every modern man needs.
1) Normal*ish Guy
You need this guy. He’s done most things right, kept good grades and has probably landed a pretty comfortable job in a major city. He never went too crazy, but never judged any of his barbarian friends for doing so. Normal*ish guy often fills the role of a soundboard for the rest of you, because he’s probably one of the more responsible people you know your age, and he’s someone you can vent to if there’s drama going on within the group. Now, Normal*ish guy’s got an *ish for a reason. Nobody interesting is ever normal, and even if they seem that way, a personality is just a series of layers and when you peel back enough of anyone’s you’re eventually going to find some type of freak. And that’s awesome.
2) Business Bro
This guy probably had dreams of Wall Street or Silicon Valley. Hell, maybe he’s there right now, but even if he wound up in some less famous place, he’s still a necessary guy to have around. Like it or not, it’s business that makes the world turn, and understanding it is a crucial component of developing any adult comprehension of the way of things. This guy loves his suits, drops names you’ve never heard of, but expects you to be very impressed, and talks about his investments like a proud father. This guy can help you manage your credit, can give you tips on investing, and can probably hook you up with his tailor. And you haven’t lived until your buddy has expensed the crew’s bar tab to his corporate card because his boss thinks he’s meeting with potential clients.
3) Creative/Artistic Dude
Often one of the more misunderstood dudes in the group, but you need him. We could also call this guy ‘spontaneous dude,’ but that’s a symptom of his core condition: his distaste for all things conventional when it comes to a career. He’s got a talent, be it writing, acting, painting or stand-up comedy, and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to scrape a living away at it. Sure, someday the passion might fizzle and he’ll #sellout, but you’ll love him anyway Until then you can’t help but respect him, and maybe cover his tab. Creative Dude is often close with Business Bro because they see qualities in each other they wish they possessed themselves. Business Bro admires Creative Dude’s passion and spontaneity, and Creative Dude covets Business Bro’s security and organizational skills.
4) Ambitious Guy
Whatever this guy’s doing, he’s kicking ass, taking names, and he’s not slowing down the train ‘till he’s at the pinnacle – and even then, he’ll probably drive it right down into a sex scandal or some white collar crime. Grab on to the coat tails, boys, and hold on tight, because you’ll probably be dropping this dude’s name someday. He might be tough to get a hold of sometimes, but don’t worry, Ambitious Guy always keeps his old friends close to his heart. He’s going to have to dodge a million fake friends on his rise to the top, he’ll need you to keep him grounded.
5) Frat Guy
There is no requirement that this guy actually be a fraternity brother, he just generally acts like he was. Whether it’s bringing a beer bong to your house warming party three years after you’ve graduated, or peer pressuring everyone into that one last shot at the bar that leads to the best stories of the night, this guy pushes the limits of what’s acceptable, and that’s just damn fun. He’s probably fallen into a career like sales or recruiting where he gets to put his high energy to use and talk to people all day. Someday he’ll mellow out, but until then let the good times roll.
6) Wild Card
Always pulls the kinds of moves that make the other guys in the group look at each other sideways and shrug. He’ll disappear from a party and you won’t hear from him for days, he’ll show up out of nowhere with a girlfriend you’ve heard nothing about, and he has a different life goal every time you see him. He’s persistent with the ladies, and despite striking out 60 times in a weekend, will always be quick with romantic advice. Wild Cards burn bright, and sometimes they burn out and you won’t hear from them for a year or two, but make no mistake about it, once this guy learns to channel his personality into a specific goal there’s nothing he can’t (or won’t) do.
Sometimes one of the guys mentioned above acts as the anchor, and other times the anchor will be one dude alone and unto his self. If you and your friends are all pieces of bread, your Anchor is the meat between you that makes you all one big awesome sandwich. He keeps tabs on everyone. Haven’t heard from Business Bro or Wildcard in a while? Call the Anchor, he’ll know what’s up. Anchors come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and they can come from any walk of life, but what they all have in common is they’re the ones that truly understand how awesome your friendship is. He’s the guy that’s not scared to text saying he misses you, or throw back shot after shot, toasting to ‘The Bros’ every single time. Trust your anchor.