Nervous in the men’s room? Don’t know what these wall toilets are all about, or how to correctly use one? Welcome to the modern world, my friends, it’s a wild and radical place. I won’t make any assumptions as to how you got here, nor will I pass judgment on whatever you were doing beforehand. I’m just here to help.
1) Don’t piss on anyone. Seriously, just don’t do it, I can’t imagine a single scenario where this works out well for you, unless you’re looking to get punched in the face. If that’s the case, aim high because then he’ll know for sure you did it on purpose.
2) Do your best to find an isolated urinal, but if you can’t, go straight for the open one and be a man about it. There will probably be a group of dudes who are too self-conscious to take that urinal stuck between the cabbie and the 300-pound trucker, but not you, you know what you’re doing, you read an article about this. Doing this might make you nervous, but you’ll immediately emasculate every other would-be urinator and you’ll absorb that wasted manliness like karma and take it back to the ball game or the bar and be the man.
3) Your head is only allowed to move on a vertical axis – you can look at the ceiling, the urinal cake, or the condom ad that’s strategically placed at eye-level, it’s your choice. By no means, however, should you move your gaze side-to-side. Your ‘just looking because I’m curious’ phase should’ve ended sometime around the 10th grade – they all look the same, we know this, no need to verify. Side note: if someone starts accusing you of looking at their junk when you clearly didn’t – that person is insane and you should get out of there. Same goes for if and when you catch someone peering down at you.
4) Wash your hands. I can hear your thoughts now (since none of you would say this out loud), But, Urinal Expert, I’m just peeing and I want to get out of the bathroom. I don’t always wash my hands after peeing at home! Whatever you do at home’s your business, but you’re not at home. There’s probably 200 dude’s pee mist and vapor floating around that bathroom you’re in, and who knows what was on the last guy’s hand that used the flusher. Protip: If it’s a swinging door, use your elbow to open it, and if the flusher is high enough on the wall, use your elbow to flush, as well.
Follow these rules and no bathroom will ever intimidate you.